A new blog home

Many people have asked me to continue journaling this new discovery process and my journey back to Korea, so please join me on my new blog dedicated my "Seoul Search" 

Seoul Searching

Thank you for your continued support and love!

-J 

One day and detail at a time...

Since facebook has become a way of life and I've returned to working outside of the home...it seems to be much easier and quicker rather than blogging my families' silly antics.

Until now.

I'm relatively an open book and tend to usually wear my feelings on my sleeve.  You know when I'm happy and you definitely know when I'm mad, but sometimes emotions are inexplicable.

As some of you know, I am making the trip of a lifetime in October.  I am going back to the place that I was adopted from for the first time.  It's been #1 on my bucket list and something that I've wanted to do for as long as I can remember.  I'm going to Seoul, Korea October 4th through the 11th.

I can't tell you how I excited I am for this upcoming journey and experience.  I'm going with my friend (Noel) who is a fellow Korean adoptee and reunited with her birth family many years ago.  We'll be staying with some of her Korean family members and as luck would have it...we will be attending her niece's wedding the weekend we arrive!  Talk about immersing yourself into the Korean culture!

As this trip has been planned it has increased my curiosity to find out about my past.  When you are adopted...you really lose a chunk of your history.  Imagine not having baby pictures or having stories of your first smile, your first word, your first step...you get the picture.  I was 21 months when I came over and really knew very little about my life in Korea.  And so my journey to fill in the gaps started.

Feel free to join me in this exploration of my past...this is how it began...

I received a copy of my adoption file at the end of January from Catholic Charities.  While I didn't learn a lot...it was an interesting read.  I was "abandoned" at a midwives clinic at a few days old.  The term abandonment in our society has a very different connotation, a negative one.  In Korea, abandoning a baby in a safe place was seen as the socially responsible and loving thing to do.  The evaluations throughout my file had similar notations:  that "she seems to be a mixed-blood child with double eyelids and dark complexion".  This was actually comforting for me to read because I've had people question me being Korean my while life.  Everyone has their own opinions on what I'm mixed with.

My file didn't have a lot surprises and very little new details, but it was something that I could hold.  A little piece of my history.

Life got busy and because my file didn't have many details in it...I just stopped thinking of it really.

Fast forward to this month (August 2013)... my trip plans started to come together and we finally booked our tickets last week.  No turning back now!  It's really shaping up to be an amazing trip.  :)

Anyways, I reached out to my contact at Dillon International (Jan) and let her know that my trip was scheduled for early October.  She recommended I visit their Eastern Division in Seoul and review my Korean file.  In the 70's adoption details were deemed sensitive and therefore many times details were not shared in their entirety to the US adoption files.  I was intrigued and agreed to have her set up a meeting with Eastern.  

Yesterday morning I received an email that changed the game...
Jan emailed me and said she was surprised to learn some new information upon Eastern's review of my Korean file and could she call me.  This piqued my interest.  She called me within a minute of my response with my cell phone number.  This is what I learned...

Thanks so much for the last minute call, Jennifer!  Here is the information from Ms. Park at Eastern: Dear Ms. Dunn, The orphanage(#233-103 Changwi-dong, Sungbuk-gu, Seoul) you mentioned is one of the previous babies' homes we run before we have moved to current location.   Mrs. Paik, Young Sook was the director of babies' home at that time.  It means that address is not the orphanage any more.    The maternity home(Midwife's clinic) where she was found is closed now.  I think this is the place where she was born.  There is no way to find the midwife who referred the adoption on behalf of the birth mother back in 1973.   The midwife's name was Lee, Soon Ae.  According to the record written by intake worker, she could only met the midwife not the birth mother because the birh mother already left the maternity home when intake worker visited there.  The birth mother said to the midwife that she was unable to raise the baby.  The birth mother went into someone's home and worked as housemaid at that time.  Also she said that the birth father was in the military and told her not to meet any more.  She was 23 years old and the birth father was 25 years old.   The birth mother left the relinquishment paper at the maternity home and the midwife passed it onto us. There is little information about the birth mother such as her name and birth date but not ID number.  And there is no legal document of hers in the file.  That means her idenfied information was not confirmed.  If she is interested in initiating search the birth mother, we are eager to do it.  Would you tell her to visit Eastern on Thursday, Oct. 10 at 10am?  Thank you.

I went into this search not knowing what to expect.  I guess I thought any small details of my life in Korea would be interesting.  It is so rare for a Korean adoptee to be reunited with their family.  Apparently less than 10% who search will find their birth parents.  And given that my US file said I was abandoned and there was no indication of who my parents were...it wasn't even a thought that I'd considered to find them. But most of all, I never expected to get the answer of the question I've lived with always. Why did my parents put me up for adoption?  I know now.  My father turned my mother away, she was young, and was a housemaid with little money.  She had no means to care for me.  I always wanted to think that they did this out of love...and she did. She hoped for a better life for me.  And she gave me just that.  I couldn't have asked for a more loving and wonderful family!

The decision to move forward with the search to find my birth parents was a quick one.  It even surprised myself because I've really had little desire to do this.  But, I'm moving forward. My expectations are low, but I feel like now is the time to do this and should we find no more details... I have the answer my heart needed.

What happens if we find them or her?  I don't know.  I'm still trying to digest the details of yesterday.  One day and detail at a time...

My paperwork has been filled out and is being submitted today.  Who know what tomorrow brings... 

Reflection

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month.  Every year the mere reminder of this causes me to reflect on what it means to me.

I'd like to say that our 3 year journey and the 5 losses we endured left me unscathed, but that would just be silly... because any person that has suffered the loss of a child (no matter what how far along in pregnancy, or after birth) has been forever changed.  Maxwell and Miles have definitely lifted most of darkness from that journey...but our journey has changed me.

I have 5 little angels that watch over us.  No longer do I let the details of their losses or their due dates take control of my emotions and leave me in dispair, but they are still in my heart.  Those babies are still thought of, missed, and forever loved.

Ironically I watched a movie last night in which the wife had a miscarriage.  She and her husband went to their OB appointment excited to hear their baby's heartbeat...only to hear nothing and ultimately to have the Dr have to tell them "I'm sorry".  The actress captured the range of emotions so well...it brought back all of those horrible appointments and all of those horrible "I'm sorry"s. 

Shame.  Anger.  Numbness.  Dispair.  Frustration.  Darkness.  All feelings that I wouldn't wish on any couple.

Hopefully Ectopic pregnancies will cease to exist.  Hopefully our journey has caused me to appreciate my 3 wonderful boys more.  And Hopefully I'm a better mama because of it. 

This post is dedicated to all the strong women out there that have endured any type of pregnancy or infant loss.  May peace and HOPE be with you....always.

Party in the USA

Ok...Ok...Ok...I dislike Miley as much as the next person, but I was cleaning the kitchen and her song came on Pandora and since the table was pushed to the side...the boys and I decided to have a dance off.  We had so much fun and they wanted to hear the song over and over, so I had to actually download that silly song to my iPhone and we danced it out.

See...cleaning isn't so bad!

Here are some pictures of our Dance off...

Got my hands up...they're playin' my song...

Noddin' my head like, "yeah!"...

Movin' my hips like, "yeah!"

YEAH...it's a party in the USA!!

Emma Krumbee's Apple Orchard 10.3.09

Trying to enjoy my favorite time of year and had a brief break from the rain, so we took the boys out to an apple orchard for some family time and picture opps.  We had a great time and although it was a little chilly out...the boys enjoyed the freedom of running around and thought picking their own apples off of trees was pretty cool.

Max enjoying the train ride

Mama and Miles

Miles having fun on the tractor that Max thought was "cool", but was scared to get on

Hmmm...suddenly the tractor didn't look so scary!  A little peer pressure can be good sometimes

Moes cheating in the Rope Maze...he just walked under the ropes.  LOL

It's like pulling teeth to get a picture with these boys.  Even harder to get them to smile in one!

Moes eating the apple he pulled himself.

Mama and Max.  I had to tell him his Papa was a "Poopy pants" in order to get a smile out of him.  Has it come to this really??!

Papa being silly and showing Moe how you REALLY bite into an apple.

Enjoy your fall everyone!

Max'n Miles

What a mama's complete joy to be able to watch her kids grow and thrive each and every day. It's amazing to watch them learn and to relive new ideas and concepts through such innocence.

Here are just a few of the things the lil' ones are up to these days:

Miles Talk (20 months):
"Hi hi hi hi hi Five!" (Hi-Five is his favorite show)
"MOM"...he calls me mama sometimes but when he really wants to get my attention he yells MOM!...it's so funny cuz he's so little but has a boomin' voice when he wants to
"Mock" (Mike)
"N' sairs" (downstairs)
"Bankie" (blankie)
"Eat" ...he's a good little eater and will come running to the table when it's time to eat
"ha you" (Max still says "I hold you" when he wants to be held and now Miles is picking up on that. lol)
"HI"...the greeting you get from this little guy is so great! Melts my heart each time!
"ha ha ha"...literally he will laugh with a "ha ha ha" chuckle
"Ahh done!"

He still talks a lot o' gibberish, but he's usually able to communicate what he wants for the most part. He has got quite the personality. He's silly and still such a little cuddler.

Max'isms (3 years, 3 months):
* He'll try to tell me something and if I can't understand him or hear him...If I say, "What?" too may times he'll shake his head and say, "I can't find the words...nevermind".
* He's discovering music and I've caught him trying to beat box and play the air guitar lately. Here are some videos to enjoy:

Max Rockin' the Air Guitar:




DJ Max':



* He's feisty (no idea where it comes from!) and tells me "That's enough" if he does something cute and I ask him to do it again too many times. LOL
* He pats Miles on the head and says, "You're a good boy, Moes"
* Both the lil' ones cup my head in their hands when they are trying to get my attention. It's so cute. (unless their hands are particularly gooey)
* Max asks me, "That make you happy, mama?" all the time
* Yesterday he put his hand on my shoulder during breakfast and he said, "You my best friend, mama"...it was so sweet.
* "Ooooh... (insert something)...Maaah fae-vor-it!"

Good times happenin' all the time in this household... :)

Time Flys

As you can tell from my lack of posts lately...I've been busy.  The kids continue to grow and learn new things...but I'm enjoying them rather then having the time to blog about them.  Hopefully things will slow down soon so I can continue to chronicle all of their new adventures.  They definitely keep us entertained!

Brad, Max, and I are up north with our neighbors (Michelle, Tom, Brandon, Kyle and Dave, Lauren, Anne, and Lauren's friend) for a week of relaxation, boating, and fun.  We arrived on Saturday and so far it's been a bit muggy and rainy, but last night the humidity dropped...the rain stopped...and now it's just beautiful.  We are looking forward to some boating and water time today.

Since Max gets up at the crack of dawn...we are trying to be quiet while the rest of the house is still sleeping.  I'm updating this and Max is playing with my iPhone.  (Which by the way...might very well be one of the best inventions besides sushi!...But that's a whole notha post! :)

Here are some quick updates.

Mike:   Starts his Senior year in a matter of weeks.  We have his Senior pictures scheduled for the Monday after we return.  I haven't seen the official grade for his summer class at Inver Hills, but we think it's either a B+ or an A.  I'm so proud of all his effort and hard work in school and with his PACE classes.  He's been touring a lot of colleges in the surrounding areas and we are trying to narrow down where he wants to go.  I think so far the U of M is highest on his list.  He takes the ACT in mid September.  He has yet to get his drivers license, but he's scheduled to take the test in early September.  Although it will be nice to have him be able to drive himself to work, friends, and run occassional errands for his mama...it makes me nervous to have him on the roads surrounded by stupid other drivers. :)  This will be a big year for Mike!

Max:  This kid never ceases to amaze me.  His vocabulary trips me out daily.  The other day he was trying to tell me something and was getting tongue tied and frustrated and finally he just signed really big and said, "Oh...I just can't take it anymore!".  He's a crack up.  Yesterday Michelle and I had a few things we needed to get at the store so Max came with us and found a little car he wanted.  Well, he accidently dropped it in the lake and was so upset.  I had to go back to the store for some other things, so Brad and I brought him along so he could try to find a replacement car.  We had to run another errand before going to the store and so he thought we weren't going to find him a car and he was getting upset, so I told him we were on the way to go find him a new car and he goes, "Oooohh YESSSSSS...Oh, Thank you mama!"...he's so animated!  In other news he's doing awesome in his potty training.  This week away from home and our regular routine may be a little set back??  But, I'm really proud of him.  Last Monday (a week ago) I just decided to do away with the pull ups because they are so much like diapers that the potty training seemed to be going no-where.  Since he has to be trained before pre-school starts this fall...I was starting to get nervous.  So, I put him in big boy underwear and had him go potty every few hours and I think he was accident free all day.  Day2 he had a few accidents...but he quickly learned that he doesn't like that feeling of getting wet.  Since then he has had a few accidents here and there, but for the most part...tells us when he has to go potty.  Going poo-poo seemed to still be a challenge until I explained to him that he was going to get his race car (or whatever character he was wearing) on his undies dirty and suddenly he started telling me when he had to go.  I'm really very proud of him! 

Miles:  Now this little dude has been the biggest surprise in personality.  He's always been very mild mannored and sweet, but now as he is starting to expand on his small vocabulary...he's starting to throw some curve balls at us!  He's still a little sweet peanut...but man, the little dude has a temper!  If he gets really upset he lets you know...he'll grab your face or even try to hit you.  It's kind of funny cuz he's so tiny.  Max has always been demanding of our attention and I think Miles is trying to assert his place in the family.  LOL!  Other than that...he's a ham just like his big brother.  Naturally Papa and I think our little guys have a heightened sense of humor, but I really think they do! Ha ha.  Miles loves to dance and loves music or any programs with singing in it.  He just gets mezmorized by them.  Right now his favorite TV program is High Five.  Papa, Uncle Rob and I can't stand the show...but the little guys love it and it usually buys us 20 minutes to get things done around the house or to get dinner going.  Miles' vocab isn't too large yet...but it's ever growing.  The other day he grabbed Max's blanket (go go) and said "Go go"...Max and I just looked at each other like, "wow...he talked!".  It's funny because he knew Max's blanket was "Go go", yet he calls his own special blanket his, "Blankey" (bankie).  Like Max, he likes to make us laugh and does silly things to get us going.  He's just a little charmer!

I could go on...but Max has had about enough of being quiet and Mama being distracted w/ this computer...so off to play with him I go! 

Mike didn't want to come on vaca with us and it would have been to difficult with Miles' schedule to bring him along...so we left them at home with Grandma Donna and Uncle Rob.  I miss my little dude something fierce, but I know he's having fun with Grandma D.  Ok...have to go before Max turns off the computer on me
!!  :)  Who knows...maybe I'll get another post in during our week long vaca???