Reflection

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month.  Every year the mere reminder of this causes me to reflect on what it means to me.

I'd like to say that our 3 year journey and the 5 losses we endured left me unscathed, but that would just be silly... because any person that has suffered the loss of a child (no matter what how far along in pregnancy, or after birth) has been forever changed.  Maxwell and Miles have definitely lifted most of darkness from that journey...but our journey has changed me.

I have 5 little angels that watch over us.  No longer do I let the details of their losses or their due dates take control of my emotions and leave me in dispair, but they are still in my heart.  Those babies are still thought of, missed, and forever loved.

Ironically I watched a movie last night in which the wife had a miscarriage.  She and her husband went to their OB appointment excited to hear their baby's heartbeat...only to hear nothing and ultimately to have the Dr have to tell them "I'm sorry".  The actress captured the range of emotions so well...it brought back all of those horrible appointments and all of those horrible "I'm sorry"s. 

Shame.  Anger.  Numbness.  Dispair.  Frustration.  Darkness.  All feelings that I wouldn't wish on any couple.

Hopefully Ectopic pregnancies will cease to exist.  Hopefully our journey has caused me to appreciate my 3 wonderful boys more.  And Hopefully I'm a better mama because of it. 

This post is dedicated to all the strong women out there that have endured any type of pregnancy or infant loss.  May peace and HOPE be with you....always.